Do you like my mountain-bike?

Do you like it? Do you, Mike?

I do not like your mountain-bike.

Leave it home! Go for a hike!

Too many gears! Enormous treads!

You rip my favorite trails to shreds!

You may not ride it here or there,

You may not ride it anywhere!

May I ride on single-track

with all my gear in camelbak?

You may not ride on single-track

with mountain bike or camelbak

And do not ride on fire-road,

It cannot take the overload.

You may not ride it here or there,

You may not ride it anywhere!

Where may I ride my new hardtail;

The one that's made by Cannondale?

You may not ride your new hardtail,

be it Trek or Cannondale.

You may not ride on single-track

With mountain bike or camelbak.

I do not like your mountain-bike.

Leave it home! Go for a hike!

Where may I ride my plush GT

With seven cogs and chainrings three?

You may not ride that plush GT,

in habitat that's human-free

It never will be allowed, you see

I want to save the woods! (for ME)

Stay off the trails for heaven's sakes,

Your knobby tires are killing snakes.

It's known to all biologists,

And famous herpetologists.

We do not like your mountain-bike!

Leave it home! Go for a hike!

You may not ride it here or there,

You may not ride it anywhere!

But, mikey, you don't understand

Enlightened people manage land.

So I will ride my mountain-bike,

I'll go on wheels. You take a hike!

And I will ride it here and there,

And I will ride it everywhere.

I will ride on single-track

With fully-loaded Camelbak.

And I will ride on fire-road,

It isn't such a heavy load!

I will ride that new hardtail;

the one that's made by Cannondale,

And I will ride my plush GT

(There is no place that's "human-free")

A little skill is all it takes

To keep from killing whippersnakes.

And we all know your PhD

Is NOT in herpetology.